I was just thinking ... a series of observations
by Kellie Morin




Part 1: Corporate America-Elevator Etiquette

Ok. Again…we covered this briefly in Greetings and Salutations. However, this topic definitely requires a closer look. A deeper consideration. For it is, in fact, the scene of a staggering number of social infractions. Most of which would be entirely avoidable if only someone, namely me, could deftly explain what’s incorrect, why it’s incorrect, and the irreparable damage caused to the psyche of your victim. So please folks, in the name of all that is human…pay attention.

The Entering
Sometimes a thing seems so obvious that to explain it would almost qualify as an insult to the intelligence of the listener. And yet…I see a disconcerting number of people every day who apparently are completely misinformed about the proper way to enter an elevator. Well, for starters, it would be nice if you didn’t stand guard at the entrance an inch from the door. This significantly startles the poor elevator occupant who is waiting to exit. Oh and by the way? You are supposed to allow said occupant to exit before slamming yourself on the elevator anyway. Let me say it again… you are supposed to allow said occupant to exit before slamming yourself on the elevator. This is by far the worst law to break. Not only will you be labeled “Mr./Ms. Doesn’t Know How to Use an Elevator”, but you also risk a nasty head-on collision, since the exiting party simply assumes (and rightfully so) that everyone is fully aware of what’s come to be known as the #1 rule in elevator etiquette. This one should be a no-brainer folks.

The Positioning
Much like bathroom etiquette, elevator etiquette demands that you achieve equidistance in your positioning. In most cases there won’t be an issue. You should instinctively know where to stand based on the layout upon entering. However, once in a while you will run into a full elevator. In this case, you become the unfortunate soul left to stand in the middle (without the support/protection of the elevator wall on any side of you). This can be so uncomfortable it can even be likened to grabbing the microphone at the karaoke bar after 13 Citronas and belting out an eardrum-shattering and scarcely recognizable rendition of “Mustang Sally.” Why it feels this way remains a mystery…but I’m thinking the deafening silence and piercing “you interrupted my express ride” glares don’t help.

The Elevator Bully
These are the people who get on the elevator and press a button that clearly will cause them to remain on the elevator beyond your exit and yet…and yet…they feel compelled to plant themselves directly in front of the door thus barring your exit sans an “excuse me.” These people are control freaks and need to be stopped.

The Blatant Jackass
This person will step onto the elevator and ask you if it’s going up or down. Apparently the large, lighted arrow on the outside of the elevator failed to clear up this issue for them prior to their entrance onto the elevator. These people are not qualified to ride the elevator unattended and whoever let them outside un-chaperoned should be relieved of their duties immediately.

The Olfactory Issue
Popcorn. A completely harmless and even thoroughly enjoyable scent. Except when concentrated within the confines of a 6’x6’ elevator and forced upon a person who is not, at that moment, even remotely in the mood for popcorn. And if the popcorn is even slightly burnt…someone needs to be taken down. Popcorn makers, I have one word for you: stairs.

Look What I Can Do
Ok, this is when the elevator contains several people, including Mr. Professional Elevator Bypass Specialist. This is the person who hovers over the buttons and announces that he, in his infinite wisdom, knows “the secret” to operating the elevator. He will proceed to inform you that if you push the correct combination of buttons, you can prevent the elevator from stopping on floors between you and your destination. For instance: “Hey, did you know that if you press ‘Close Door” simultaneously with your desired floor and hold it down, the elevator will go directly to your floor without stopping? Yeah…watch this.” Translation: Look what I can do. Now, inevitably, his foolish scheme will fail to work, at which time he will begin to explain the specific reasoning as to why. “Oh, well they must’ve pressed the button nanoseconds before I employed my tactic. But I swear it usually works.” This person can then be seen sauntering past you in the cafeteria with a look that belies his supposed superiority and his certainty that you are currently pointing him out to your friends and discussing how cool he is.

The Ride-How Lazy is Too Lazy?
The two-floor minimum should be observed at all times. ESPECIALLY when descending. My office (ok…cube…whateva) is on the 4th floor of a six-floor tower. Many is the time I’m left deeply chagrined at the complete and utter laziness of other elevator riders. So many times I‘ve gotten on at 4, minding my own business, attempting to travel to 1. Without fail, the elevator stops at 3. And this person is absolutely NEVER going to 1. They are absolutely ALWAYS going to 2. Which means not only has this oaf interrupted my express ride, he/she/it has done so simply to avoid manually carting their fat-ass up or down one small flight of stairs…which is probably why it’s in the state it’s in to begin with. Incidentally, I am also consistently tortured by this same scenario in reverse order. And the worst part? You can plainly see the shame in the offender’s eyes as they sheepishly press the button. The humiliation and complete refusal to make eye contact thereafter. This tells me one thing and one thing only: They know better. And yet the brazen disregard. So uncalled for.

The Ride-Talking
Don’t do it. There are many things I can say to back this rule up. To begin with, there’s the fact that you will more than likely traumatized the victim…at least to some degree. And really…what did they do to you? Nothing…that’s what. I think some people may feel it’s their duty to fill the space with conversation. It’s not. It’s actually more your duty to simply shaddit. Especially if the other person has clearly identified themselves as an Elevator Rule Follower (ERF) by employing one of the avoidance techniques briefly touched upon in my first article in this series and further elaborated upon below.

Protecting Yourself
This section is geared toward the ERFs among us. Kind of a support piece for your assistance. While none of these methods are entirely foolproof (and in this case, “fool” is the appropriate word), they can and will aid you in at least some of these situations. And in my opinion, if you can avoid even one, it’s entirely worth it.

Avoiding the talker:

1) If you are the “boarding occupant,” you shouldn’t have an issue. It’s been my experience that the person already occupying the elevator will probably not talk to you. This could be for a variety of reasons such as:
a) They are an ERF.
b) They are pre-annoyed with you for interrupting their express ride. 2) If you are the “pre-boarded occupant,” that’s a different story. Here’s where some forward thinking may be required. In the case of an impending infraction, some options currently available to you are as follows:
a) The I Don’t See You: This involves simply avoiding eye contact. While this will usually thwart the attack, it isn’t always enough. I suggest further insulating yourself by coupling the “avoid” with an averted yet still visible bitch face (yes men, you are capable of these too, trust me).
b) The Review: At the risk of revealing my secrets, this one is a personal favorite of mine. This is where you get on the elevator prepared with a folder or small stack of papers that you can instantly become engrossed in if you sense an impending infraction. (Note: This one can also be utilized by the “boarding occupant.” Simply board the elevator pre-engrossed.)
c) The Make My Day: This one’s a bit borderline, but some people can pull it off…and they know who they are. It’s really just an advanced version of option A. This is where as the elevator door opens you are already staring menacingly at the “pre-boardee” basically daring him/her to have the unmitigated nerve to speak to you. The peril of this one is that you have no way of knowing in advance if you’re dealing with someone who actually deserves it. Thus you could be tormenting a fellow ERF and not even know it. This one should be reserved for days when you are experiencing kill buildup beyond reason and simply do not wish to take any chances.

Failure to avoid the talker:

Occasionally, despite your most valiant of efforts, you will encounter an aggressor so insidious that you were pretty much dead when you hit the water. It’s now no longer about avoidance, but more about damage control. Below are several examples and suggested methods for recovery:

1) The Loud Stupid Comment Makers Society: Their members are quite simply everywhere. You never know where you might encounter one. But their favorite and preferred habitat is the American elevator. This person will flagrantly bellow at you across a crowd of stunned ERFs. There will never be a good reason for this, but that’s rather irrelevant as the title of their society does in fact contain the word “stupid.” The most frightening thing about this person is that the level of stupidity surrounding the comment could range anywhere from something as harmlessly annoying as, “Is it hot enough out there for ya?” straight up to the socially devastating, “’Hey…membah that guy you randomly made out with at The Cantina last Fridee? Yeah, the one with the man boobs? Did he eva call you?”
2) The Idiot Companion: You think you know your friends and coworkers. But this is not always the case. You’ve just entered the elevator in the company of a cohort. He/she is carrying on what you feel to be a private conversation with you when the elevator stops to pick up someone else (probably on their way from 3 to 2). You’re certain your friend will cease talking until the interloper has exited…but suddenly, to your horror, they continue the conversation in an “I’m gonna impress the new person” volume. You have 2 choices here. If you are blessed (as I am) with a face capable of contorting itself into a menacing glower so hideous it could turn the recipient to stone, now’s the time to use it. If you are not…or if for some reason this method fails to work, your only course of action is to become a statue. Not moving makes you invisible, in case you didn’t know. It’s the same reasoning that causes broken cookies to contain no calories. You must deny any knowledge of this person, and as mean as that sounds, just remember, they brought it on themselves.
3) The Holly Hobby: This is the person that steps onto an elevator containing only you. You, for one reason or another, have failed to act quickly enough in your attempt to thwart contact and the “I want to be your new best friend” conversation immediately commences. My suggestion? Stare vacantly at the person and say, “I love raw broccoli.” In the time it takes them to comprehend this statement and its idiotic irrelevance, you can flee the elevator before they even retain your visage in their memory. It’s sort of a “smoke and mirrors” type of thing. Risky, but usually quite successful.

So there you have it. If this column helps even one person, it will have been worth the effort. And as always, please feel free to forward any suggestions for a continuation on this very important topic.

Previous Articles in this series

Greetings Corporate America
Corporate Bathroom

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About the Author;
Kellie Morin is a professional freelance writer from central Massachusetts who loves her family and life. You'll enjoy her heartfelt style and edgy humor. Kellie can be reached at Kellie@boomerjournals.com